A lot has happened in my life recently. Two months ago, both my father and my cat died. However, since my last post, my sister, my nephew, and my uncle died as well. With the exception of my uncle, they we young. My sister was in her early fifties, and her son was in his thirties. There was never any closure for me in the form of a wake or a funeral. I hadn't seen either of them in years, but I spoke to my sister often and asked a lot about my nephew since he often moved around. Both of them died in November - the same month my mother died.
My father broke the mold by dying in May. My cat died a week later. It's been a couple of months, but I am still dealing with my father's affairs. Every time I do it, it feels like reopening a wound. Although, I don't forget what has happened, dealing with his estate is a direct reminder of his death. Going home every day and not seeing my cat there is a constant reminder of her death. Her things are still everywhere in my apartment and now my father's belongings are too. Death is all around me it seems.
I returned to work after the funeral and never took any time for myself to process all that had happened. I was also dealing with some issues with my daughter and her school. I was emotionally slammed and not doing my best physically. I haven't slept well in months. I was constantly dealing with handling my father's estate and trying to get through each day at work while my co-workers were on vacation. I held off on taking time off to go to probate court and handling other matters because my team was short-staffed at work. After waiting until everyone was back, I requested time off and was chastised for it. I also had emergency childcare issues and had no real choice in the matter, but even if I didn't, my team members knew I was putting off important matters because we were short-staffed at work. It was the first thing to really set off my anger.
Not many people knew of the deaths in my family, but some who learned, said some of the following:
- It will get better with time (who the fuck asked you anyway?!)
- Are you going to get another one? (regarding my cat)
- Think happy thoughts (don't tell me what to think)
- Are you still grieving?? (it just fucking happened. Of course I'm still grieving!)
- Are you going to get a replacement? (cat)
This is some of the most insensitive shit anyone has said to me. I've learned throughout the years how uncomfortable grief makes people feel. People seem to be in a rush for me to move on when I've barely had time to just let myself FEEL. After a while, it starts to seem that everyone is walking around emotionally numb. Grieving is something they seem to think happens only evenings and weekends - certainly not during work hours and not after the funeral is over.
This made me think of the way human beings find ways to numb their pain rather than cure the cause of it. Today, I have been close to tears dealing with a terrible pain in my left arm. It's been going on for days, but it was particularly awful today. The common response to my telling others is, "Did you take anything for it?" There is nothing wrong with getting relief for pain. It is being compassionate to yourself I think. However, I would rather feel pain until the cause of it is eliminated.
I chose to have a completely natural childbirth (I know that is not a choice for everyone) because I wanted to feel and experience the whole process and I didn't want to do anything that could potentially affect my baby negatively. I told myself that I was built to be able to give birth to a child, and I could handle the pain. I may have a high tolerance for pain, but I think all pain has purpose. Pain is a messenger, and it seems to me that people only want to silence it. Temporary relief is not the same as a cure. Pain, whether physical or emotional, is uncomfortable. Grief is uncomfortable. Responding to a grieving person is uncomfortable, but maybe they don't need your words all the time. Maybe your ears and your heart are enough. Sometimes, a hug may be needed. Just don't deny a person's current experience because you don't know how to deal with it.
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